Tales of a Bad Blogger

I haven't been a very good blogger lately and it's been driving me crazy! Those of you who read this blog regularly know I've had a very challenging year with the death of my father and my mother's health issues. And those of you who know me in real life (IRL) also have the additional insight of other distractions that have required that my attentions are focused elsewhere. Throughout this whole journey, I will say that I am constantly amazed at the power of love, communication and understanding.

I am re-focusing my energies to this blog and hope to, once again, provide excellent content to women like me---hard working, deeply caring women who try to take care of themselves and others, while trying to maintain a sense of beauty in our everyday lives. So with that, I thought I would give you a glimpse of my life in the past week (via pictures!). Hope you enjoy!!!

I've been traveling a LOT this summer on business!

The gorgeous Carson Stretch Ponte Faux Wrap Dress by Dobbin. Every time I wear it, I get a ton of compliments. So lovely!!!

My latest travel makeup stash.

A look from the Too Faced "Natural Eyes" palette.

Facial Masks from Korea (a gift from my friend Stacey)!

Pretty in Peach!!!

Candy Crush is my mood stabilizer under stress...

If you haven't seen "A Conference Call in Real Life," you need to! It's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time and it will definitely resonate with you if you spend 90% of your time in corporate life! Click here to see it.

The first thing I saw when arriving home from a long business trip---newly blooming Black Eyed Susans!!

And the love of my life, Bentley-Boo!

Followed by our "Bad Dog," Aqua Kitty!

Time for the kids to go back to college. This was the result of Saturday's shopping at Target---outfitting both for two separate apartments at JMU!

Last but not least, my new favorite past time! Barry and I are taking dancing lessons at the West End Ballroom  and absolutely love it. What a great way to spend couple time and prepare for date night!

More to come as I get my blogging muscles back!!

A New Beginning

Photo Credit: Analisa Joy Photography

It’s beautiful how , after a very sad time for our family, one can become refreshed, renewed and joyful again as the cycle of life continues. This past weekend, my husband and I were honored to attend my nephew’s wedding in Southern California. Adam married his sweetheart Lauren, a beautiful, young woman who makes his heart sing! This morning, as I reflect on the weekend’s events, I am reminded a life well lived includes happy times that lessen the sad times; love conquering heartache and memories that live forever.

Congratulations Adam and Lo! We love you!!!

Taking Time for Myself

I'm terrible about taking time for myself. In fact, I'm so terrible at it that my stress often builds up so that I begin to have lower back pain, knots in the muscles of my upper back and headaches. Since the first part of this year has been so stressful, I'm looking for ways to slow down and relax. This morning, in particular, has been particularly trying. For the second time just this week, my mother's care giver hasn't shown up, resulting in a firing (actually two) by the company that provides the service. That also means that I haven't gotten anything near what I need to get done for my job so I'll be working very late again tonight. On top of that, my brother is working on my father's estate as well as getting Mom ready to go into assisted living. We found a wonderful place and Mom is excited about going there. She will still have her aid and as we toured the facility yesterday, Mom began to make friends so we have no concerns about her!

My life has been a bit more complicated and I can now see why people have been reminding me that I need to take care of myself. As I left the house for a scheduled doctor's appointment, I felt like my head would explode due to the stress. I'm one of those people who have a high tolerance for pain and stress but today it has been too much. After the appointment, I went to one of my favorite neighborhood restaurants that has WiFi, opened my laptop and iPad, and went to work! In fact, that's where I am as I'm writing this post. Stress has melted out of me because of not being at home (where my office is located) and I feel so much better. With an unsweetened iced tea, a laptop and a cell phone, I feel like I can accomplish anything!!!

I've also started to try to get back to normal as much as possible. Although I am far from getting into my routine, I've had a few bubble baths, had a deep tissue massage (OUCH!!!), formulated  a few beauty items (shampoo, conditioner, lip balm and cuticle cream), gotten on the floor to play with my dogs Bentley and Bailey and had a few long chats with my husband. Sooner or later, the brain fog will clear and I'll feel less frantic. Life will get back to normal and I'll revisit the projects that sat unfinished before I left for Florida. I'll never stop missing my Dad but I know I will feel better soon and will be able to reflect on what he has meant to me and how he will continue to influence my life. 

Larger Than Life

You may have noticed that I took almost a two week break from blogging. It has taken me that long to get back into the swing of things after the death of my father.

Dad had experienced very poor health this winter. I"ve written about it (vaguely) before and he is the reason that I spent over four months in Florida, where my parents have spent each winter for years and years. Mom said she had a premonition before leaving Virginia on Christmas Day but I am not sure if it was really some sort of foresight or dementia. All I know is that it was a long, difficult winter.

Despite Dad's serious illnesses, he was actually (finally) recovering nicely so his sudden death was a bit of a shock. He asked me every couple of days, "Do you think I'll recover from this?" My answers went from a tentative, "Off course you will!" to "You're past the worst of it so all you need to do is eat well, do your physical therapy and follow the doctor's orders and not what YOU think is best!" Throughout the entire ordeal, I learned so many things about our health care system and often thought about blog posts I'd write that are particularly pertinent to elder care. That time will come.

The first week after Dad's death was a blur. My priority was taking care of Mom, packing up the house in Florida as best as I could and emptying the motor home so it can be sold in Florida. The second week, I went back to work because for me, work is the best therapy. Although my brain was still a bit fuzzy with grief, I found that I welcomed the chance to get back to my normal routine. At the end of the week was Dad's funeral, burial and reception, which culminated with the entire party saluting Dad with a shot of his favorite beverage, Jack Daniels.

I miss my father but he is still with me every moment of every day. From the time I awaken to when I close my eyes in the evening, I'm reminded many times of his laugh, his philosophy on life and how his physical presence filled every room he entered. 

Make sure you tell your Dad how much you love him. I said those words every day this winter and I'm glad I did.

Getting “The Call”

I haven’t posted since the beginning of last week and there’s a reason for that. Those of you who have elderly parents have probably already guessed the meaning of this post's title. I got “the call.” For those of you who have no idea of what I’m referring to, “the call” is what a (usually) middle aged person dreads with all the strength of their being. It causes chills along the spine of an otherwise strong, “got it going on” person. And it breaks everyone’s hearts. It’s the phone call/email/text from a family friend/relative/acquaintance/perfect stranger that there’s something seriously wrong with your elderly parent.

In my case, it’s my father. Last Tuesday afternoon, his friend in Florida called to let me know that he is taking my Dad to the emergency room. The issue, at the time, was potentially serious and needed to be dealt with right away. I had already planned on traveling that week to see my parents and check out some troubling reports I had received about their health/abilities to care for themselves. Fortunately, United Airlines made it easy to travel a day earlier. Within four hours of the call, I was on an airplane, headed to Florida. When I walked in the door at 1:30am, Mom was still awake and family friends were looking after her. My parents (as well as my brothers and I) are very fortunate to have such great friends. They have really saved the day in so many ways.

I’ve learned a lot about people in the past week. The level of compassion and concern has been overwhelming and so appreciated. It’s truly a blessing to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the “shady” side of this issue and it’s not what you may think it is. It’s that my father truly does not recognize the precarious situation he is in, does not understand (or refuses to understand) my mother’s inability to take care of herself (let alone a husband with a life threatening illness) and, doesn’t really appreciate the sacrifices that his family has made in order to enable him to live the independent life that he (currently) leads. I saw this last Spring when my mother was initially diagnosed with dementia (while in Florida), when she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder (on a cross country trip to CA and back) and during the holidays, when my father insisted that I adhere to HIS schedule in getting them to Florida for the winter (I got him to adjust his plans somewhat but it still involved missing Christmas Day with my family). Now I’m seeing it again on the eve of, literally, the fight of his life.

My agreement with my father is that I can spend time with them in Florida (or wherever they happen to be) as long as I can work just as if I was working in my home office. That includes eleven to twelve hour days on the phone or working on the computer as well as business trips from wherever my “home base” is at that time. If I can’t do that, I can’t spend significant time with them whenever they want me to. Fortunately, I work with great people and my job is such that I can work from “wherever.” I’m also married to a saint of a husband, who is very easy going with the craziness/level of activity that I naturally bring to the relationship. My job requires not only long hours but significant focus and concentration.

What I “saw” this past week was my Dad’s implication that my career is not as “important” because I am female. Never mind that I hold a significant level of responsibility in my career and that I support a family; Dad made it clear that he didn’t expect my brothers to “help me out” because they had “jobs.” Hmmmm. Okay. I guess I can chalk that up to his age (84) and that he has always been part of a “traditional” marriage where he ruled with an iron hand. He says he’s always been proud of me, particularly of my education, my drive, my work ethic and my earning potential (weird, but true). Dad also takes special pride that I am more “like him” than any of my brothers, even though I’m female (not sure that’s such a compliment!! ;) ). But his attitude has truly shown me what he really thinks, and there’s more.

Because my mother should never be left alone (which she often is at home), I hired a home healthcare aid to be with my mother so that I can work. Her first day was last Friday and her presence not only allowed me to get back to work, it gave me real peace of mind that Mom was eating and drinking properly, taking her medication, that there was someone to take the dog out (Mom’s 100 lb Lab can easily pull her over) many times per day, do the light housekeeping jobs that Mom can’t do (and that I don’t have time to do) and just generally be a companion to my Mom. Mom constantly laments how lonely she is and it’s heartbreaking. The home health aid was a godsend!

Today, though, my father began telling others that I have been “spending too much of his money” and that he and Mom don’t need anyone at home. Right now, that’s apparently because I am here. He tried to con his doctor into letting him go home. This is from a man who can’t get up and go to the bathroom by himself (as of this afternoon). But he can take care of things at home. Yeah. The doctors are, truly, trying to get his nutritional health back up to par before he undergoes a very serious operation next week but his physical issues run deep and I believe he’ll need more care at home than what a home health aid can manage. Nonetheless, he’s informed everyone (except me) that he won’t have an aid once he’s home. If it comes to that, that’s when I get my butt back on a plane headed to Virginia.

Now, before anyone accuses me of being selfish, uncaring or a “bad daughter,” I can assure you that I am none of those things. Anyone who knows me “in real life” will tell you that I have bent over backwards for my parents and that I often help people without expecting any kind of recognition (I have often helped others-- and provided financial assistance-- anonymously). What I’m experiencing with my parents is actually a very common occurrence---the elderly parent who refuses to “give in” to the realities of aging. Those of you who have been thru this know exactly what I mean and for those of you who haven’t, well just wait! The level of heartache, stress and frustration can be overwhelming and, unfortunately, I think this mostly falls on the shoulders of female children because traditionally, it’s been the daughters who bear the brunt of the care giving. My advice to anyone with elderly parents is to try to get a care plan in place before it is needed. My brothers and I have tried without success and now it’s coming back to bite all of us. My oldest brother, who has seen almost the exact same thing happen with his in-laws, tells me it will probably take a fall or some sort of an emergency to get our parents to understand that they can’t live on their own anymore. We thought this experience would do it, but I guess not. My presence here may just be that of an enabler, at this point, so it may be necessary to take away the crutch that keeps my Dad from doing the right thing.

Time will lead us to the eventual outcome and my Dad has quite a recovery ahead of him. At this point, we don’t have a prognosis but I can tell you that my brothers and I are committed to getting my parents the best possible care with or without my father’s cooperation. If you’re going thru something similar, rest assured that you are not alone. Send me an email if you’d like to trade notes.

Bailey, My Little Sweet Pea

Almost 14 years ago, a sweet little ball of fur, named Bailey’s English Cream, came into my life. The day that I visited her litter was absolutely glorious as I watched a tiny yellow lab pounce, play and snap her jaws (thus one of her nicknames, “Snappy Jaws”) as she thoroughly stole the show from her littermates. Bailey has given me and my family so much joy and pleasure over the years! She taught us what it was like to be owned by an opinionated, bossy little girl who never met a food group that she didn’t like. And as she has grown older and slower, we still see glimpses of that mischievous, dynamic personality that originally caught our attention.

These days, Bailey spends most of her time on the couch or on her special “princess bed,” dreaming of the days gone by when she’d play ball with her littermate, Jack (who passed away several years ago), swim in the pool and be chased through the house by the cats (yes, at one point she was terrified by one of our cats, who is now 20 years old). Running is no longer even a thought, but she can still catch a ball!

Bailey and I have been through a lot together over the years but she’s always been ready with a smile, a “snappy” response to a command and a kiss on the cheek when I needed it. Despite the arthritis that comes with age and a brain tumor that has apparently stopped growing, Bailey always has time for us.  I love this girl and will miss her when she’s gone.

Christmas Memories

2013 has been a monumental year for me and my family. So many things have happened—success on the job, parents who have been further diagnosed with health problems, my husband’s semi retirement, my stepson’s success in college, our “informal adoption” of our son’s friend and her success in life, announcements of marriage, divorce and lots of travel. There has been happiness, sadness, fulfillment and challenge. As this year closes, we have a lot to be thankful for and decisions to make for the future.

We actually celebrated Christmas early, beginning with a family dinner for fifteen last Saturday. My husband and I hosted so in addition to cooking the dinner, we also had to move everything out of the dining room in order to accommodate our guests. For several years, I operated a  custom wedding cake business out of the dining room. Due to my work schedule, I shut it down last year but waited until this past week to “reclaim” the space. We worked like crazy to get ready and the dinner was a success!

Mindy, Jesse and Bentley

On Monday, my husband, the kids and I headed out to an annual Christmas party that has become a tradition. We all got dressed up in our party best and headed out for a few hours, leaving my parents with the dogs and cats. Once we returned home, it was time to open presents. All of the pets got involved, especially Aqua Kitty, who really seemed to enjoy the empty boxes, wrapping paper and bows.

Aqua Kitty

On Sunday, I began baking and decorating two special cakes for friends of mine (their Christmas tree is pictured above). My husband and I delivered the cakes on Christmas Eve and then returned home to relax. I also packed a bag for an upcoming trip with my parents.

Buche de Noel

On Christmas morning, I joined my parents in their motor coach as we left for a trip to Florida. I’m chaperoning them to their home in Florida and we’ll arrive Thursday evening. After I spend a few days getting them situated, I’ll fly back to Virginia in time to join my family in the Outer Banks. It should be a great ending to an even better year!

I have a lot to reflect upon as the year closes out. The trip with my parents has been eye opening and painful at the same time but it’s all part of the circle of life. Time will tell how the new year impacts my parents but as with everything, my brothers and I will deal with it as it comes.

Hope you had a wonderful holiday! What plans do you have for New Years?

Family Weekend 2013

This past weekend, my family celebrated what’s become a “rite of passage” for college students all over—Family (or Parents’) Weekend! While many of you were running errands, having barbecues, cleaning the house and doing all the things that you didn’t get done during the week, my husband and I traveled to beautiful Harrisonburg, VA to visit our son at James Madison University. For us, Family Weekend is a time to get together, take Jesse out for meals, purchase things he needs for his dorm room, catch up on all of the goings on at college and catch a football game. It also gives my husband and me some much needed downtime!

On Friday night, we had a good dinner at Capital Ale House and dessert at Kline’s Dairy Bar (a Harrisonburg Institution!). On Saturday, we attended the JMU/Albany football game, where JMU won 40-13! Wooohoooo! It had been a loooong time since I have attended a college football game and I have to admit that I got little tingles up my back when the drum line started up and JMU’s marching band took to the field (yes, I’m proud to say I was a band geek)!

In addition to Jesse, we also had the pleasure of spending time with Jesse’s girlfriend, Mindy, whom we adore!

Of course, no Family Weekend would be complete without Family Weekend Fashion---purple, gold and all the trimmings (I need to do a better job next year!).

How about you? Did you do anything special this weekend?

Aqua Kitty The Great

We’re currently in purge mode at my house so everything is an unsettled mess (well, not everything, just the rooms going thru the purge). A week or so ago, I started on my desk and office and the predictable happened….I had a little visit from my boss, Aqua Kitty.

Whenever there’s a mess, a box, a bag or when my husband or I are working or reading the paper, Aqua Kitty is right there…in the middle of it all. This happens during the most inconvenient times and when we least expect it.

Aqua Kitty was named as such by my stepson, who noticed a tiny kitten swimming towards him during a float trip down a local river. A stray, Aqua quickly captured his heart and upon calling his Dad to tell him about his adventure, Jesse said, “Hey Dad, I found a kitten in the river. His name is Aqua Kitty, can I keep him?” This happened about eight years ago and this cat has been part of our collective hearts ever since!

Aqua is more dog than cat so, of course, his nickname is “Aqua Dog.”  Not only does he come when called, he greets us at the door like the other two dogs and he plays on the floor with the other two dogs, Bailey and Bentley. Unfortunately, he also “rolls” the two twenty year old cats and no one really appreciates that (especially Misty and Max!). We know he is only playing but they are fragile.

We love our little (fat) dog and he tolerates us. As long as we remember who is actually in charge, everything is fine!!!

Aqua Kitty rocks!!!

Happy Fifth Anniversary!

This past Friday, my husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary. It was a glorious end to a tough week and I think we both needed some downtime together. Our “tradition” over the past five years has been that the morning of our anniversary, I am greeted with a card and a some form of hydrangea flowers (sometimes a single stem and sometimes a full arrangement). Hydrangeas are my favorite flower and they featured heavily in our wedding. Then later that day, we have dinner at a favorite restaurant (this year it was Chez Max) and at least one of us dresses in the clothing we wore on our wedding day. Since it was cool that evening, I wore a long sleeved dress but my husband went with the same suit, tie, shoes and shirt from our wedding.

When I married my husband, I knew that I had finally found the one whom I could love, trust and rely on for the rest of my life. And for the first time in my life, I have a true partner. He’s one of two loves of my life (click here to see the other one) and he makes me happy to be alive every day.
Happy Anniversary, Sweetie! I love you!!!

When an Elderly Parent “Digs In”

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This summer has been something else. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with my parents this summer (ages 84 and 85) and much of that was when I “chaperoned” my parents on a cross country motor coach trip. At some point, I’ll do a post on that (it was a lot of fun and very, very personally rewarding) but right now, I want to chat about a health problem that my mom developed on that trip and how it has impacted all of our lives. Fair warning, though. As you read this, some of you will nod your heads in agreement as if to say, “I know what that’s like” and some of you may either be dumbfounded that it’s happening (or in denial that it can actually happen to your family) or downright pissed off that my family isn’t dealing with it better.

We were gone for almost five weeks, taking a leisurely trip across the southern and southwest part of the US. A little over a week after we left, the three of us plus the dog arrived in San Diego, near where my oldest brother lives. It was a wonderfully festive time for the family as the old guard welcomed the new (great grandchildren who had never been met as well as two new fiancées who would be officially joining the family next year).  During that part of the trip, my mother had two seizures.

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I saw the first one out of the corner of my eye and didn’t realize it was a seizure until later that day. She was eating breakfast and seemed to tremble and spill her orange juice. It looked like she lost her balance was sitting at the table. Mom said she was fine and we went about our day. The second one happened at lunch with friends who graduated from college with my Dad over sixty years ago. As Mom ate her lunch, her body shook uncontrollably and she lost consciousness for only a minute. Then she was lucid and embarrassed but insisted she was “fine.” Instead of taking her back to the coach, I took Mom to a well known hospital in San Diego while my oldest brother picked Dad up at the ER. Mom and I were there for about nine hours and she was eventually admitted and observed overnight.  Although many tests were done (blood tests, MRI. EEG. EKG), “they” could find nothing wrong. So on our way we went with a prescription for an anti seizure med.

By that time, we were on our way home and slowly making our way across the country. We stopped in Phoenix and had plans to go to Jerome, Albuquerque and Tombstone. While in Phoenix, she had another seizure, this time, much more violent, and fell, hitting her head on the floor. This time paramedics were called and she was taken to yet another hospital. The only bright spot of this whole part of the trip was seeing my 85 year old mother flirting with the cute EMTs (and having them flirt right back)! Once again, tests were taken and experts consulted. We left we a higher dose of anti seizure medicine and I picked a new route to get us back sooner than we had planned.

This happened two more times. Knowing that neither parent would take the proper steps unless a doctor insisted upon it and despite my asking at every hospital we visited, it wasn’t until we were at the hospital in Benson, AZ that the wonderful Dr. Huerta told me, “Get your Mom on an airplane back to Virginia tomorrow.” So I did.



That’s really when all the trouble began. Dad promised that when we got home, he would hire a caregiver to help her with her hygiene and personal care, another person to stay with her and keep her company every day (he agreed to never leave her alone in case of another seizure) and would do everything needed to make Mom’s life easy and enjoyable. On the airplane, Mom had another seizure and despite the efforts of every family member and medical professional we had seen to date, both my mother and father have absolutely refused to alter their lifestyle in any way to get my mother the proper care at home. Having spent so many weeks with both of my parents, I knew that Mom had no business cooking meals (I did that on the trip), cleaning (ditto), washing clothes, or even bathing by herself. It was a battle getting her to take her medicine every day and she began losing weight like crazy. Without the proper monitoring of her diet and someone to encourage her to eat, it will be a struggle to keep her weight from going any lower (she’s lost over forty pounds in the last year without really even trying). And I know that since she’s been home, she’s not been taking her pills properly (Dad isn’t making sure that happens despite the pills being portioned out in day of the week containers) and she’s had several more seizures.

It’s frustrating when we call home and we learn that Mom has been left alone while Dad is in town or at another part of their property. When I ask him about it, Dad immediately jumps down my throat to the point that I have to remind him that no one speaks to me that way and if he doesn’t stop, I will leave immediately (or end the telephone conversation). My younger brother gets the same treatment. Our next oldest brother, who lives in the same town as my parents, has disappeared because he can’t bear the thought of losing either one of them. Avoidance is the best defense, I guess. Meanwhile, Mom is not getting her meds properly, neither parent is eating properly and both of them are one fall away from a forced lifestyle change. Once that happens, they will no longer have the luxury of deciding how they will live the rest of their years.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this situation and trying to figure out a solution. Many people have told me that it will take something “catastrophic” to get Dad (and Mom to some extent) to do what’s needed. The good news is that Mom wants to live in an assisted living facility. The bad news is that she won’t go without Dad and he’s already made it abundantly clear that he’s not leaving his home unless he’s dead. Money is not the issue. There’s more than enough of that. I believe that my Dad, on some level, mourns the life he’s lived for the past eighty-four years and this in denial about the care that he needs. As far as his eighty-five year wife, who suffers from dementia and a seizure disorder, is concerned, he doesn’t seem to be able to get his mind around the fact that she needs more care than when they married sixty-three years ago.

So, that’s where we are. It’s not really a place where I thought we’d be as a family. Mom and Dad have, up to this point, done everything “right” with regard to their retirement and healthcare. All we want for them is to have the proper care in their home. Hopefully, we’ll be able to convince them it’s time to accept help. Without that, I worry about their futures. The child eventually becomes the parent; the parent becomes the child.

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