Getting “The Call”

I haven’t posted since the beginning of last week and there’s a reason for that. Those of you who have elderly parents have probably already guessed the meaning of this post's title. I got “the call.” For those of you who have no idea of what I’m referring to, “the call” is what a (usually) middle aged person dreads with all the strength of their being. It causes chills along the spine of an otherwise strong, “got it going on” person. And it breaks everyone’s hearts. It’s the phone call/email/text from a family friend/relative/acquaintance/perfect stranger that there’s something seriously wrong with your elderly parent.

In my case, it’s my father. Last Tuesday afternoon, his friend in Florida called to let me know that he is taking my Dad to the emergency room. The issue, at the time, was potentially serious and needed to be dealt with right away. I had already planned on traveling that week to see my parents and check out some troubling reports I had received about their health/abilities to care for themselves. Fortunately, United Airlines made it easy to travel a day earlier. Within four hours of the call, I was on an airplane, headed to Florida. When I walked in the door at 1:30am, Mom was still awake and family friends were looking after her. My parents (as well as my brothers and I) are very fortunate to have such great friends. They have really saved the day in so many ways.

I’ve learned a lot about people in the past week. The level of compassion and concern has been overwhelming and so appreciated. It’s truly a blessing to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the “shady” side of this issue and it’s not what you may think it is. It’s that my father truly does not recognize the precarious situation he is in, does not understand (or refuses to understand) my mother’s inability to take care of herself (let alone a husband with a life threatening illness) and, doesn’t really appreciate the sacrifices that his family has made in order to enable him to live the independent life that he (currently) leads. I saw this last Spring when my mother was initially diagnosed with dementia (while in Florida), when she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder (on a cross country trip to CA and back) and during the holidays, when my father insisted that I adhere to HIS schedule in getting them to Florida for the winter (I got him to adjust his plans somewhat but it still involved missing Christmas Day with my family). Now I’m seeing it again on the eve of, literally, the fight of his life.

My agreement with my father is that I can spend time with them in Florida (or wherever they happen to be) as long as I can work just as if I was working in my home office. That includes eleven to twelve hour days on the phone or working on the computer as well as business trips from wherever my “home base” is at that time. If I can’t do that, I can’t spend significant time with them whenever they want me to. Fortunately, I work with great people and my job is such that I can work from “wherever.” I’m also married to a saint of a husband, who is very easy going with the craziness/level of activity that I naturally bring to the relationship. My job requires not only long hours but significant focus and concentration.

What I “saw” this past week was my Dad’s implication that my career is not as “important” because I am female. Never mind that I hold a significant level of responsibility in my career and that I support a family; Dad made it clear that he didn’t expect my brothers to “help me out” because they had “jobs.” Hmmmm. Okay. I guess I can chalk that up to his age (84) and that he has always been part of a “traditional” marriage where he ruled with an iron hand. He says he’s always been proud of me, particularly of my education, my drive, my work ethic and my earning potential (weird, but true). Dad also takes special pride that I am more “like him” than any of my brothers, even though I’m female (not sure that’s such a compliment!! ;) ). But his attitude has truly shown me what he really thinks, and there’s more.

Because my mother should never be left alone (which she often is at home), I hired a home healthcare aid to be with my mother so that I can work. Her first day was last Friday and her presence not only allowed me to get back to work, it gave me real peace of mind that Mom was eating and drinking properly, taking her medication, that there was someone to take the dog out (Mom’s 100 lb Lab can easily pull her over) many times per day, do the light housekeeping jobs that Mom can’t do (and that I don’t have time to do) and just generally be a companion to my Mom. Mom constantly laments how lonely she is and it’s heartbreaking. The home health aid was a godsend!

Today, though, my father began telling others that I have been “spending too much of his money” and that he and Mom don’t need anyone at home. Right now, that’s apparently because I am here. He tried to con his doctor into letting him go home. This is from a man who can’t get up and go to the bathroom by himself (as of this afternoon). But he can take care of things at home. Yeah. The doctors are, truly, trying to get his nutritional health back up to par before he undergoes a very serious operation next week but his physical issues run deep and I believe he’ll need more care at home than what a home health aid can manage. Nonetheless, he’s informed everyone (except me) that he won’t have an aid once he’s home. If it comes to that, that’s when I get my butt back on a plane headed to Virginia.

Now, before anyone accuses me of being selfish, uncaring or a “bad daughter,” I can assure you that I am none of those things. Anyone who knows me “in real life” will tell you that I have bent over backwards for my parents and that I often help people without expecting any kind of recognition (I have often helped others-- and provided financial assistance-- anonymously). What I’m experiencing with my parents is actually a very common occurrence---the elderly parent who refuses to “give in” to the realities of aging. Those of you who have been thru this know exactly what I mean and for those of you who haven’t, well just wait! The level of heartache, stress and frustration can be overwhelming and, unfortunately, I think this mostly falls on the shoulders of female children because traditionally, it’s been the daughters who bear the brunt of the care giving. My advice to anyone with elderly parents is to try to get a care plan in place before it is needed. My brothers and I have tried without success and now it’s coming back to bite all of us. My oldest brother, who has seen almost the exact same thing happen with his in-laws, tells me it will probably take a fall or some sort of an emergency to get our parents to understand that they can’t live on their own anymore. We thought this experience would do it, but I guess not. My presence here may just be that of an enabler, at this point, so it may be necessary to take away the crutch that keeps my Dad from doing the right thing.

Time will lead us to the eventual outcome and my Dad has quite a recovery ahead of him. At this point, we don’t have a prognosis but I can tell you that my brothers and I are committed to getting my parents the best possible care with or without my father’s cooperation. If you’re going thru something similar, rest assured that you are not alone. Send me an email if you’d like to trade notes.

My Best Health and Beauty Decisions

Several days ago, I was reading one of the many blogs I follow and this question came up--what has been your best beauty decision you've ever made? I thought about it for awhile and realized that the best health decisions have actually served as great beauty decisions and vice versa. As I've gotten older (and hopefully wiser), I've made both conscious and not-so-conscious beauty and health decisions that have turned out to be blessings. So what are my best decisions? Read on for that list and see if any of them apply to you as well!

Avoid the sun and always wear sunblock

All thru my twenties and thirties, I regularly visited the tanning salon (I'm cringing as I'm typing these words). Since my skin is so fair, I "justified" it by telling myself I needed a "base tan" in order to keep myself from burning on vacation. Now I'm older and wiser and know that there's no such thing as a "base tan"---it's all just sun damage, which shows up on your face, your lips, your chest, your butt, etc. My catalyst for change was a visit to the Outer Banks one summer. I got such a burn on my face that my forehead was literally swollen, painful and puffy. Once the burn subsided, I had a permanent "mask" on my forehead and around my eyes. It literally took several years before I was able to fade it. Fortunately, I gave up tanning and hopefully I didn't sustain permanent damage. I do visit my dermatologist once a year for a full body check to make sure I don't have any pre-cancerous spots. Regardless of the time of year or the amount of sun shining, I'm never without sunscreen on my face, hands and chest. If I'm on vacation or at the beach/pool, I wear full on sun block all over my body (and a good self tanner!).

Fortunately, I have "good genes" and don't have many wrinkles on my face or body. Rest assured, though, that had I not stopped sunbathing, I would look far different and as I age, my chances of developing skin cancer would be higher. It could still happen, but I'm taking every precaution that I can to prevent it.

Look Towards Your Parents to See What the Future May Hold

I consciously did this about eight years ago. What I saw were my (relatively) healthy 75+ year old parents beginning to have mobility issues due to their weight and lack of exercise (no real exercise for years). My father had also had his first heart attack at age 50 due to obesity and smoking 5 packs of cigarettes per day (yes, that really is true). Fortunately, he stopped "cold turkey" that day but in his 70s he had many cardiovascular issues that resulted in surgery after surgery. Honestly, he's lucky to be alive today. Today, my father is fine from a cardio standpoint (but he's still heavy and doesn't exercise) but his real problem is constant pain due to a massive amount of arthritis in any joint that hasn't been replaced. Mom also has arthritis due to long term lack of exercise and age. This disease has seriously impacted their quality of life and isn't something that anyone should go thru.

My Lap Band

This one may be controversial to some but was a direct result of looking at my parents "old age" health. I had lap band surgery in late 2007 and it was the best thing I have ever done for my health and well being. Obesity has been a part of my life for almost my whole life. Literally, the only time I didn't have a weight problem was when I was a child under 5 years old and the years that I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. Actually, with Bulimia, my weight could swing wildly week by week. The eating disorders weren't under control until I separated from my first husband. I think that by that time, I had done so much damage to my body that I really had no idea how to eat. So, for the next twelve years, my weight swung wildly as I comforted myself with food and then starved myself when I had had enough. By the time I had my surgery, I had a pretty good idea of what my triggers were and was successfully controlling them but I still needed help losing weight. Willpower was not my issue at all---I have incredible willpower and can starve myself with the best of them. But I couldn't "live" that way and actually enjoy my life; there was always an inner panic and anxiety that the weight would come back.

The lap band has helped me maintain a 100 lb weight loss thru many emotional ups and downs (something that would have been impossible before). It has minimized most of my cravings. For instance, I no longer crave bread, fast food, soft drinks, etc. I am satisfied very easily now and really never overeat. Now, it has been a LOT of work and I had to make changes early on that have become part of my life (no bread, no "drinking" of calories, protein first, etc). I've lost my desire to drink sweet drinks (in fact, I'm repulsed by sweet drinks and only have a soda maybe once a year), I drink maybe one glass of wine per month and find it very easy to control my portions. My sweet tooth is only a fraction of what it was and it doesn't dominate my thoughts. I eat very little meat and a lot of vegetables because my tastes have changed and that's a good thing!

I'm not skinny by any means; in fact, my doctor wants me to continue to lose weight. Some people may say that my lap band hasn't "worked" because I'm not thin. As far as I'm concerned, though, it has been a huge success and has greatly benefited my health and my life.

Demand Answers From Your Healthcare Providers

About two years ago, I knew that I was having some sort of health crisis. I had been extremely tired for so long (for at least a year to two years prior), my hair was falling out, my nails were breaking, I was depressed and downright miserable. It was all I could do to get thru a work day, let alone be there for my family. The final straw was during a one month period, I literally gained fifteen pounds with no change in diet. By that time, I was a mess! Up to that point, I pretty much only saw my OB/GYN so I didn't have a primary care doc. My husband liked his doctor and while he wasn't taking new patients, there was a doc in his practice who was so I made an appointment with her. Since I'm pretty self aware and wanted to clearly describe my symptoms to the new doctor, I prepared notes and brought them with me to the appointment. But instead of the doctor (since when are women such dolts??!!) listening to my symptoms and putting together a systematic approach to diagnosis, she told me, "You're just depressed and you eat too much!" Her dismissive tone and lack of empathy enraged me so I immediately "fired" her as my doctor and found another one.

My new doctor not only listened to me, but she also put together a plan to try to figure out what in the heck was going on. It took 9 months to come up with a diagnosis. What looked like a thyroid problem was actually narcolepsy! And once I started treatment, I quickly lost the fifteen pounds and I was back to my old self. So the moral of this story is, if your doctor doesn't listen to you, find a new one who will. And then insist that they diligently work with you to diagnose and treat the problem.

 Don't Get Sucked in to all the Hype

In beauty and skin care, there is no such thing as a miracle. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. For instance, there is nothing that you eat or apply topically that can permanently make wrinkles go away. Literally the only thing that can do that is cosmetic surgery. There are certain topical creams (like Retin A, for example) that can reduce the look of wrinkles over time as well as active ingredients that can, with constant use over a long period of time, help increase the skin's elasticity, thereby potentially making lines and wrinkles less prominent. But there is no miracle cure.

Another thing you should know is that cosmetic companies can basically make any claims they want in their advertising copy. The only country (that I know of) that prohibits this is the United Kingdom. They have laws against advertising that makes impossible claims and where it shows up a lot is in pictures that are airbrushed to oblivion. So the next time you see a picture where a fifty year old woman has literally no "tear troughs" or any variance of color under the eyes and the ad claims that this is due to a "miracle" product, just know that this is against the law in the UK but fair game everywhere else.

I saw an example of this today that made my blood boil. In a few weeks, a well known cosmetics company is releasing a "revolutionary" line of skincare products that includes a small tub of lip balm that retails for $50 (really???). Although I couldn't get hold of the ingredients list, it was compared favorably to another $50 lip balm (from another well known brand) whose ingredients I was able to get hold of. The first ingredient? Petrolatum. That's VASELINE people!  One of the cheapest cosmetic ingredients (and not a great one at that) on the face of this earth! Sure, there were some minute quantities of essential oils in the formula but you're basically getting vaseline that has been stabilized by wax. AND PAYING $50 FOR IT!!!

OK, end of rant. It just kills me how stupid some companies think we are.  So don't get sucked in to all the hype. Just don't.

Wear Clothing That Fits

This sounds like a no-brainer but how many times have you seen a woman wearing pants that are too tight. Or too long/short. How about someone whose breasts jiggle and overflow the top of her bra so that you can see it when she's wearing a tshirt or sweater? Or maybe a button down shirt that gaps across the chest? Now, I'm not saying I've never been guilty of these things (because I have). What I'm saying is that as we get older, we owe it to ourselves to make sure our clothes actually fit our bodies. No one actually looks thinner by wearing clothing a size (or two) too small. Trying to cover up in baggy clothes only makes one appear heavier. So take a friend with you when trying on clothes if you need an unbiased second opinion. Always fit the widest part of your body and then have the clothing altered. For me, it's usually my hips. When I purchase pants, if I can choose a "curvy" style, I do that and usually my jeans don't need tailoring (I love Lucky Sofia cut jeans!). If the jeans or pants aren't curvy, I will then fit the pants to my hips and then usually have a huge gap in the waistline, which then requires alteration. My motto: find a good tailor!

The other thing you can do is pay attention to which lines fit you the best. I've already told you about my Lucky Sofia jeans but I also love Dobbin Clothing (amazing quality fabrics and impeccable fit), some of the Talbots line, Lands End for tshirts, and Pendleton for suits.

Another must---get yourself professionally fitted for a bra. Wearing a correctly sized bra can take ten pounds off. Apparently a huge percentage of women wear the wrong size (the wrong size by a huge margin) and therefore look frumpy or unkempt. Most department stores offer this service as do all bra stores. Do yourself a favor---try it just one time. You won't be sorry!!

Yoga

Now this is one where I'm not currently practicing what I preach. For quite a long time, I was a regular yoga practitioner---four to five times per week. During that period, my core muscles were the strongest they've ever been and I had no back pain. For various reasons, I stopped my practice and lower back problems came back with a vengeance. My back issues are purely muscular and completely within my control. Unfortunately, I haven't taken my own advice (yet) and started back up. But I WILL!!!

Not only does a regular cadence of sun salutations (I was doing "flow" yoga) improve the core strength, it also helps stress levels. I can't tell you how many times I entered the studio really stressed out or pissed off, only to feel calm, cool and collected at the end of a strenuous yoga workout. For those of you who have shied away from yoga due to a perceived "religious" context, that couldn't be further from the truth. In Western society, yoga exercise is not taught as part of a spiritual practice (unless you're specifically looking for that); in fact, yoga for the "masses" is about exercise, stress relief or relaxation (depending on the type of yoga). So give it a try! It's well worth it! And a word about yoga---you don't have to be thin, or flexible or in shape to start. The key to yoga is to work at your own pace and no one is going to pressure you to do anything other than that. As you attend more classes, you'll find that you're just a little more flexible, stronger and able to do some things that you thought you'd never be able to do because of "the weight." Well guess what? "The Weight" doesn't mean anything in yoga class. When I did my first head stand (at the same weight I am now), I was amazed but I knew then that anything was possible!

I could go on and on about even more things that I've discovered to be great for my health and beauty. What things have you done that have been a major impact in your life? Is there anything you're planning to try but just haven't done it yet? Please share!

Hurts So Good!

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Do you ever notice that some part of your body (neck, shoulder, back, legs, etc) just plain hurts? Lately, for me, I notice it when I’m laying in bed at night, the muscles around my shoulder blades ache and feel like they are playing tug of war which each other. It’s almost as if there’s a rubber band connecting the two across my back and there’s a building pressure, as if they are struggling to keep from being pulled together. The next morning, I usually have specific pain points around my right shoulder blade, neck and near my spine. These knots are the result of “over use,” meaning repetitive motions that (for me) result from working on the computer. I put in long hours at my desk, in hotel rooms, airports and even on the couch at night as I write blog posts or catch up on more work from my “day job.” This has been going on for years and I’d deal with it by finding Bentley’s (my sweet golden retriever and you can see his beautiful face by clicking here) tennis ball, placing it under the knots as I rolled around on the floor in an attempt to “massage out” the pain. Other times, I’d frantically call around my town, trying (mostly in vain) to schedule a last minute massage appointment. Finally, I’ve been able to make regular massage a part of my routine.

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Within the past two months, I’ve had several massages while on the road. One time it was a very expensive deep tissue massage at a spa attached to a well known, high end hotel and the other was at a beautiful resort in a different state. Both lasted about an hour and really relieved my pain, only to have it recur within a week, as the long hours (and travel) continued. After this six week stint of weekly travel, I decided that I finally had to do something about the situation. Mr. Google helped narrow down my choices for massage and I was amazed how the local landscape had changed since I had last looked for massage services three years before. For the first time, I was able to find companies that made this therapy available to people from all walks of life! Prior to this point, I did not schedule regular massages due to the cost (I’ve paid up to $200 for an hour massage when I was desperate for relief and that’s just not sustainable). Things were definitely looking up! After researching a few firms, I booked a massage at my local Massage Envy.

Red arrows point out my problem areas

My first introduction to Massage Envy and my therapist, Calvin, was very impressive. The facility was clean, the staff professional and better still, Calvin proved to be an awesome massage therapist! After spending a good deal of time going over the questionnaire I filled out when I arrived and then listening to my needs, we got to work. Calvin explained that the overuse injury (the knots) I described in my neck and shoulders is very common with people like me. Working on the computer, travel, long hours, etc can really wreak havoc on one’s body. My problem areas included the scalene and sternocleidomastoid muscles in my neck and a whole host of muscles in my back, particularly on the right side (scapular area, rhomboids, traps, etc). Since I signed up for a deep tissue massage, the focus was getting the knots out and Calvin did a great job. I was in bad shape but he changed the pressure as needed and due to his experience, he was literally able to pinpoint the problem areas with a single touch. As I asked, he “dug deep” in those areas (or at least as deep as I could stand) and by the end of the hour, I felt a thousand times better! It literally “hurt so good!” As a result, I signed up for Massage Envy’s package, which includes a low monthly payment on one massage, and then discounts on subsequent massages during the month. Before leaving, I made my next appointment for about a week and a half later.

At the next appointment, my pain points weren't nearly as bad as when I walked in for my first massage. Calvin concentrated on the same areas but this time, he also did more with my fore arms and hands. Wow! It immediately became clear that the muscles in my right hand and arm are much tighter and more strained than the left. Regular massage has definitely been working for me and my neck and back are so much more comfortable now. I’m going about twice a month but will not hesitate to go more if I need to.

Since beginning this process, I’ve also vowed to take better care of myself between massages. Part of that means getting up from the desk regularly and stretching my neck and shoulder muscles so that they don’t get so bound up. I’ve taken some pictures of the routine so I can pass it along to you. Do these stretches and you will go a long way in preventing knots and pain.

Stretch #1
Stand in a doorway, placing  your hand above your head on the door jamb. Lean forward, stretching the upper shoulder. Hold the position for 10-15 seconds.

Slide your hand down the door jamb so that your hand is roughly next to your ear. Lean forward to stretch and hold for 10-15 seconds.

Slide the elbow back so that it points straight out. Again, lean forward and stretch, holding the position for 10-15 seconds.

Slide the hand down the door jamb so that it is roughly straight and below the waist. Stretch forward and hold the position for 10-15 seconds. Repeat entire stretch on the opposite side.

Stretch #2

With the palm facing out, bend at the elbow and place the back of the hand along the lower back. If you’re wearing pants, tuck the hand into the waist band.

Place the opposite hand on the top of the head and gently pull the head toward the shoulder, stretching out the neck and the muscles in the shoulder blade area. Repeat entire stretch on the opposite side.

Stretch #3
Drop the elbow behind the heard, pulling down on the elbow with the opposite hand so that a stretch is felt in the shoulder. Repeat on the opposite side.



Stretch #4
Pull the arm across the body and hold with the opposite arm. Stretch. Repeat with the opposite side.

These stretches work really well for me between massages. Do you have any tips to reduce knots in the back and shoulders? Do you get regular massages?

When an Elderly Parent “Digs In”

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This summer has been something else. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been able to spend quite a bit of time with my parents this summer (ages 84 and 85) and much of that was when I “chaperoned” my parents on a cross country motor coach trip. At some point, I’ll do a post on that (it was a lot of fun and very, very personally rewarding) but right now, I want to chat about a health problem that my mom developed on that trip and how it has impacted all of our lives. Fair warning, though. As you read this, some of you will nod your heads in agreement as if to say, “I know what that’s like” and some of you may either be dumbfounded that it’s happening (or in denial that it can actually happen to your family) or downright pissed off that my family isn’t dealing with it better.

We were gone for almost five weeks, taking a leisurely trip across the southern and southwest part of the US. A little over a week after we left, the three of us plus the dog arrived in San Diego, near where my oldest brother lives. It was a wonderfully festive time for the family as the old guard welcomed the new (great grandchildren who had never been met as well as two new fiancées who would be officially joining the family next year).  During that part of the trip, my mother had two seizures.

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I saw the first one out of the corner of my eye and didn’t realize it was a seizure until later that day. She was eating breakfast and seemed to tremble and spill her orange juice. It looked like she lost her balance was sitting at the table. Mom said she was fine and we went about our day. The second one happened at lunch with friends who graduated from college with my Dad over sixty years ago. As Mom ate her lunch, her body shook uncontrollably and she lost consciousness for only a minute. Then she was lucid and embarrassed but insisted she was “fine.” Instead of taking her back to the coach, I took Mom to a well known hospital in San Diego while my oldest brother picked Dad up at the ER. Mom and I were there for about nine hours and she was eventually admitted and observed overnight.  Although many tests were done (blood tests, MRI. EEG. EKG), “they” could find nothing wrong. So on our way we went with a prescription for an anti seizure med.

By that time, we were on our way home and slowly making our way across the country. We stopped in Phoenix and had plans to go to Jerome, Albuquerque and Tombstone. While in Phoenix, she had another seizure, this time, much more violent, and fell, hitting her head on the floor. This time paramedics were called and she was taken to yet another hospital. The only bright spot of this whole part of the trip was seeing my 85 year old mother flirting with the cute EMTs (and having them flirt right back)! Once again, tests were taken and experts consulted. We left we a higher dose of anti seizure medicine and I picked a new route to get us back sooner than we had planned.

This happened two more times. Knowing that neither parent would take the proper steps unless a doctor insisted upon it and despite my asking at every hospital we visited, it wasn’t until we were at the hospital in Benson, AZ that the wonderful Dr. Huerta told me, “Get your Mom on an airplane back to Virginia tomorrow.” So I did.



That’s really when all the trouble began. Dad promised that when we got home, he would hire a caregiver to help her with her hygiene and personal care, another person to stay with her and keep her company every day (he agreed to never leave her alone in case of another seizure) and would do everything needed to make Mom’s life easy and enjoyable. On the airplane, Mom had another seizure and despite the efforts of every family member and medical professional we had seen to date, both my mother and father have absolutely refused to alter their lifestyle in any way to get my mother the proper care at home. Having spent so many weeks with both of my parents, I knew that Mom had no business cooking meals (I did that on the trip), cleaning (ditto), washing clothes, or even bathing by herself. It was a battle getting her to take her medicine every day and she began losing weight like crazy. Without the proper monitoring of her diet and someone to encourage her to eat, it will be a struggle to keep her weight from going any lower (she’s lost over forty pounds in the last year without really even trying). And I know that since she’s been home, she’s not been taking her pills properly (Dad isn’t making sure that happens despite the pills being portioned out in day of the week containers) and she’s had several more seizures.

It’s frustrating when we call home and we learn that Mom has been left alone while Dad is in town or at another part of their property. When I ask him about it, Dad immediately jumps down my throat to the point that I have to remind him that no one speaks to me that way and if he doesn’t stop, I will leave immediately (or end the telephone conversation). My younger brother gets the same treatment. Our next oldest brother, who lives in the same town as my parents, has disappeared because he can’t bear the thought of losing either one of them. Avoidance is the best defense, I guess. Meanwhile, Mom is not getting her meds properly, neither parent is eating properly and both of them are one fall away from a forced lifestyle change. Once that happens, they will no longer have the luxury of deciding how they will live the rest of their years.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this situation and trying to figure out a solution. Many people have told me that it will take something “catastrophic” to get Dad (and Mom to some extent) to do what’s needed. The good news is that Mom wants to live in an assisted living facility. The bad news is that she won’t go without Dad and he’s already made it abundantly clear that he’s not leaving his home unless he’s dead. Money is not the issue. There’s more than enough of that. I believe that my Dad, on some level, mourns the life he’s lived for the past eighty-four years and this in denial about the care that he needs. As far as his eighty-five year wife, who suffers from dementia and a seizure disorder, is concerned, he doesn’t seem to be able to get his mind around the fact that she needs more care than when they married sixty-three years ago.

So, that’s where we are. It’s not really a place where I thought we’d be as a family. Mom and Dad have, up to this point, done everything “right” with regard to their retirement and healthcare. All we want for them is to have the proper care in their home. Hopefully, we’ll be able to convince them it’s time to accept help. Without that, I worry about their futures. The child eventually becomes the parent; the parent becomes the child.

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My Summer Nemesis: Chub Rub

You know the drill on this one—it’s 90 degrees and humid, one of those days where you feel your lungs collapse whenever you step outside. Nothing feels good on the skin---it’s too hot for jeans and even light pants; and the mere thought of putting on a suit to go to work makes you mental. At this point, what seems like it will work the best is either a dress or a skirt (sans hose, of course). As you reach into your closet to choose a suitable garment, a thought enters your mind—with heat and humidity comes perspiration and with perspiration comes the dreaded chub rub!!!

Whether you call it chub rub, chafing or rash, chub rub is that uncomfortable, burning skin condition when your thighs sweat and rub together. One doesn't even have to be overweight to have the thighs rub together so this problem afflicts everyone from athletes to the very overweight. Having suffered from this malady since I was a small child, I’ve tried a number of things over the years that have worked and here are a few.


  Baby powder was the first thing I used when I was a child. It probably works better for adults than children because as a kid, I was outside a lot in the summer and found that powder just did not last long enough. But as an adult, it makes sense if you have a chance to apply it every so often. This is definitely not my go to these days, but it is an option.


An anti per spirant like Dove’s Clinical Protection is another good choice. This product keeps perspiration at bay and is smooth and easy to apply multiple times during the day. If you can keep the thigh area dry, which products like these will help to do, that’s half the battle.



 Monistat’s Anti Chafing Gel is an excellent product and definitely prevents chub rub. It’s a smooth, silicone-based gel that is almost identical to many of the facial primers that are used under makeup (I’ve actually used Monistat on my face instead of primer---works great and it’s cheap!). If you’re not allergic to silicone based products, do try this. It can be found in most drugstores and is definitely worth stocking up on for the summer!


The Jockey Skimmies Slipshort is my new favorite chub rub preventer! I originally heard about these on a message board and decided to give them a try. Mine came from Amazon (here) and cost $20 per pair. They are made of similar material to the leg part of Spanx Higher Power (if you’re familiar with that product) but are without the ungodly sucking in tightness characterized by Spanx. There’s a time and place for Spanx but a hot, sweaty summer is not one of them! Anyway, you can wear your skimmies under skirts and dresses and forget all about chub rub. These shorts are light and don’t cause a “muffin top” because they are not designed to control. There are lots of different types of shorts like this on the market (Spanx has something similar here) and are definitely worth the money!


Other products I’ve read about but haven’t yet tried:
 Body Glide is recommend by the running community and is available here at roadrunnersports.com for $7.99. It looks to be similar to the Monistat gel except in stick form. 



 Chamois Cream is a product used by cyclists. I’m not a cyclist but I understand that they get really nasty chafing that easily turns into infection if not treated properly. Plus, due to the nature of their sport, they get chafing in areas where I don’t even want to think about! Apparently, chamois cream is excellent for this problem and the DZ Nuts Bliss Chamois Cream is specially formulated for women. This product can be used on “old” chafed areas as well as being a preventative for new chafing. You can purchase it here for $24.99 at backcountry.com. This particular chamois cream looks VERY promising!


How about you? Do you have any favorite preventative measures for chub rub?

Angelina Jolie: “My Medical Choice”

Yesterday, an Op Ed piece, written by Angelina Jolie, appeared in the NY Times. In it, Jolie explains her decision to have a double mastectomy upon learning that she carried the BRCA1 gene, which greatly increases her chance of developing breast and ovarian cancers. By choosing this radical procedure, Jolie reduces her chance of developing breast cancer by 82 per cent. She wrote, “I am writing about it now so that because I hope that other women can benefit from my experience.”

Earlier this year, as Jolie began, and completed this process, she had the support of her children and her partner, Brad Pitt. Fortunately for Jolie, she had the time and the resources to deal with this very complex and very scary problem. We all need to remember that while breast cancer now has a much higher recovery rate than it used to, there are virulent strains of cancer that take women every day.

Most of us have been impacted by breast cancer or cancer in general, in some way. One of my closest friends is a 30+ year breast cancer survivor and I thank God every time I hear about a woman losing her life to this evil beast that my friend was able to beat the odds and grace my life with her presence.  She and I also lost another friend to colon cancer seven years ago, a cancer that can be successfully treated with early detection. I will never forget Evonne and I miss her every day.

Picture via

In Jolie’s case, she was able to be tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations. Apparently about 10 per cent of breast cancers are caused by this gene but the chances of developing cancer in its presence are staggeringly high (87%). Once contracted, the survival rate is very low. According to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, genetic testing for these mutations can be done via blood test and should be considered under certain circumstances (see the list here).

I found Jolie’s account really inspiring because as a woman, actress and beauty icon, her decision to remove her breasts could have had long lasting personal and psychological impact. It’s heartening to read, “On a personal note, I don’t feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered because I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.” That’s important because so many women do not realize that they do have choices, whether regarding health, their bodies, their relationships, their careers, their lives.

There are many, many resources available for women to take care of their breast health. If you haven’t been getting regular mammograms, please do. By keeping healthy, you are making sure that you will continue to be there for your family and your friends. Please see your doctor regularly. For those who do not have health insurance or can’t afford a breast screening, Planned Parenthood offers these services. Click here to find a Planned Parenthood location in your area.

You can follow Jolie’s progress on the website of The Pink Lotus Breast Center.

Twilight Darkens a Sunny Day: My Family’s Experience with Dementia

This post has been churning in my mind for quite awhile now. As I’m writing, I’m aware that these words are a double edged sword. On the one hand, by opening up about the subject of dementia, people reading this, who have experienced the same issues, or believe that they are about to experience them, will know that they are not alone and perhaps will feel more comfortable reaching out for help. On the other hand, others, including those close to my family, may feel uncomfortable. I’ll do my best to accommodate both groups in this post.

Almost two months ago, my mother was officially diagnosed with dementia. The diagnosis was not a surprise to anyone in the family, except Mom, but it set in motion not only a realization that “this is happening and this is what has to be done now” but also explains many things that we have all noticed over the last few years. I”m referring to behavior changes mostly---things that one often attributed to old age, or perhaps one too many cocktails, or even a really bad day. But when it happens over and over again, it’s so hard to “go there” and accept that your loved one may have a bigger problem.

Looking back, I think I can honestly say that there’s been something “not quite right” for about the past ten years. It’s hard to say, though, because that’s about the time that Mom lost her independence to macular degeneration. Due to the progression of that disease, she gave up her car keys and became 100% dependent on Dad and other family members for any kind of transportation. Fortunately, Mom and Dad had a very active social life, not only regularly seeing their friends and family at home but also traveling the country in their motor coach. That’s still the case but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve slowed down quite a bit, and so have their friends. Over the years, we’ve seen many changes in Mom’s behavior: from stories of events that we know never happened, to possessions that are given away because they “aren’t hers” to a general malaise that I have always attributed to losing independence. Her long term memory is great but the short term has been impacted so that she will forget the details of a recent event one minute but will be able to recount it completely an hour later. Perhaps the most alarming change is how my lovely, “Southern Lady” Mom’s personality is often altered later in the day. She morphs from her mostly happy, sunny personality to a critical, sometimes belligerent stranger. From my experience, this cycle plays out almost every day and her wrath is directed towards almost anyone in the general vicinity.

My parents have been married almost 63 years so it is no surprise that Dad has been in denial for the past ten years. Although he would never admit it, I know his heart is breaking over Mom’s condition. When he finally admitted, this past winter, that he was worried about her, we were able to quickly find a doctor in Florida, who specialized in geriatric medicine. Although Mom wanted no part of the diagnostic process, she (fortunately) agreed to go and has been mostly compliant with her treatment. As for Dad, I’ve seen him go from concerned and weeping because he doesn’t know how to help Mom to frustrated as she tells him she doesn’t want him to have anything to do with her treatment (even as she tells him that nothing is wrong with her). I remind him all the time that this is all part of dementia but it’s so hard for him. Heck, it’s hard for me too.

Mom’s dementia has not been pinpointed to a specific cause. Her condition has not been diagnosed as Alzheimer's but more as “general” dementia. Apparently her condition has advanced rather slowly over the years and fortunately, she’s now on several medications designed to slow the progression of the memory loss and associated changes. Today, she’s “normal Mom” about ninety percent of the time and we are all learning together about the various resources available to patients with dementia and their families. Last week, her doctor recommended that I get in touch with our local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association for support in understanding her condition and to develop coping mechanisms for Mom and all of our family members. The Alzheimer’s Association provides great resources for all people experiencing dementia, not just dementia associated with Alzheimer’s Disease. I will be contacting them soon and I am sure we will be taking advantage of their programs.

For now, we are in a “wait and see” mode. The focus is on spending good, quality time with Mom and making sure she is as happy and as safe as possible. As for me, this whole experience has prompted me to look at my life to make sure I am focusing on the things that are the most important. Life is short and we have to make the most of it.

The Importance of Regular Dental Care As We Age

I had my regular six month dental checkup this morning and it got me thinking about the importance of dental care. For most of you, this is probably a no-brainer but throughout my life, I have been surprised by the number of people I've met who do not make regular trips to the dentist (mostly by choice). In fact, I know at least two women who lost all or most of their teeth by the age of 15 and were fitted with full dentures. The parents of both ladies did not place any emphasis on dental care during childhood and, unfortunately, my friends suffered because of that. Consequently, they raised their children differently, making sure that they had regular dental appointments.

While in the dentist's chair, I thought about how my dental needs have changed over the last twenty years or so. Other than a brief time of no dental insurance (after a divorce), I have always seen my dentist every six months. The year and a half when I did not see my dentist regularly ended up costing me not only money down the road when I had to "fix" the problems associated with that dental hiatus, but also the pain of extra deep cleanings and the drilling that new cavities required.