Hurts So Good!

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Do you ever notice that some part of your body (neck, shoulder, back, legs, etc) just plain hurts? Lately, for me, I notice it when I’m laying in bed at night, the muscles around my shoulder blades ache and feel like they are playing tug of war which each other. It’s almost as if there’s a rubber band connecting the two across my back and there’s a building pressure, as if they are struggling to keep from being pulled together. The next morning, I usually have specific pain points around my right shoulder blade, neck and near my spine. These knots are the result of “over use,” meaning repetitive motions that (for me) result from working on the computer. I put in long hours at my desk, in hotel rooms, airports and even on the couch at night as I write blog posts or catch up on more work from my “day job.” This has been going on for years and I’d deal with it by finding Bentley’s (my sweet golden retriever and you can see his beautiful face by clicking here) tennis ball, placing it under the knots as I rolled around on the floor in an attempt to “massage out” the pain. Other times, I’d frantically call around my town, trying (mostly in vain) to schedule a last minute massage appointment. Finally, I’ve been able to make regular massage a part of my routine.

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Within the past two months, I’ve had several massages while on the road. One time it was a very expensive deep tissue massage at a spa attached to a well known, high end hotel and the other was at a beautiful resort in a different state. Both lasted about an hour and really relieved my pain, only to have it recur within a week, as the long hours (and travel) continued. After this six week stint of weekly travel, I decided that I finally had to do something about the situation. Mr. Google helped narrow down my choices for massage and I was amazed how the local landscape had changed since I had last looked for massage services three years before. For the first time, I was able to find companies that made this therapy available to people from all walks of life! Prior to this point, I did not schedule regular massages due to the cost (I’ve paid up to $200 for an hour massage when I was desperate for relief and that’s just not sustainable). Things were definitely looking up! After researching a few firms, I booked a massage at my local Massage Envy.

Red arrows point out my problem areas

My first introduction to Massage Envy and my therapist, Calvin, was very impressive. The facility was clean, the staff professional and better still, Calvin proved to be an awesome massage therapist! After spending a good deal of time going over the questionnaire I filled out when I arrived and then listening to my needs, we got to work. Calvin explained that the overuse injury (the knots) I described in my neck and shoulders is very common with people like me. Working on the computer, travel, long hours, etc can really wreak havoc on one’s body. My problem areas included the scalene and sternocleidomastoid muscles in my neck and a whole host of muscles in my back, particularly on the right side (scapular area, rhomboids, traps, etc). Since I signed up for a deep tissue massage, the focus was getting the knots out and Calvin did a great job. I was in bad shape but he changed the pressure as needed and due to his experience, he was literally able to pinpoint the problem areas with a single touch. As I asked, he “dug deep” in those areas (or at least as deep as I could stand) and by the end of the hour, I felt a thousand times better! It literally “hurt so good!” As a result, I signed up for Massage Envy’s package, which includes a low monthly payment on one massage, and then discounts on subsequent massages during the month. Before leaving, I made my next appointment for about a week and a half later.

At the next appointment, my pain points weren't nearly as bad as when I walked in for my first massage. Calvin concentrated on the same areas but this time, he also did more with my fore arms and hands. Wow! It immediately became clear that the muscles in my right hand and arm are much tighter and more strained than the left. Regular massage has definitely been working for me and my neck and back are so much more comfortable now. I’m going about twice a month but will not hesitate to go more if I need to.

Since beginning this process, I’ve also vowed to take better care of myself between massages. Part of that means getting up from the desk regularly and stretching my neck and shoulder muscles so that they don’t get so bound up. I’ve taken some pictures of the routine so I can pass it along to you. Do these stretches and you will go a long way in preventing knots and pain.

Stretch #1
Stand in a doorway, placing  your hand above your head on the door jamb. Lean forward, stretching the upper shoulder. Hold the position for 10-15 seconds.

Slide your hand down the door jamb so that your hand is roughly next to your ear. Lean forward to stretch and hold for 10-15 seconds.

Slide the elbow back so that it points straight out. Again, lean forward and stretch, holding the position for 10-15 seconds.

Slide the hand down the door jamb so that it is roughly straight and below the waist. Stretch forward and hold the position for 10-15 seconds. Repeat entire stretch on the opposite side.

Stretch #2

With the palm facing out, bend at the elbow and place the back of the hand along the lower back. If you’re wearing pants, tuck the hand into the waist band.

Place the opposite hand on the top of the head and gently pull the head toward the shoulder, stretching out the neck and the muscles in the shoulder blade area. Repeat entire stretch on the opposite side.

Stretch #3
Drop the elbow behind the heard, pulling down on the elbow with the opposite hand so that a stretch is felt in the shoulder. Repeat on the opposite side.



Stretch #4
Pull the arm across the body and hold with the opposite arm. Stretch. Repeat with the opposite side.

These stretches work really well for me between massages. Do you have any tips to reduce knots in the back and shoulders? Do you get regular massages?

Are you Super Woman?

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As I was preparing to write this post, I Googled the term “Super Woman.” There are lots of definitions but the gist is that a superwoman is “a woman who typically fulfills all the duties of several fulltime roles, such as wife, breadwinner, mother, student, etc with apparent superhuman efficiency.” After thinking about it for about a tenth of a second, I’ve concluded that I am not Super Woman.

That’s really a “no, duh” comment. I’m not Super Woman and have never wanted to be her. In fact, I (mostly) consider “super woman” attainment as almost a failure. Now before anyone gets all upset over that statement, let me clarify. Women my age (I’m 48) are part of the first generation of “post feminists.” We have reaped the benefits of our older sisters’ work in the 1960s and ‘70s and we began our careers in the 1980s with a bit more of a cultural shift towards women in the workplace. Many of us went to college, started careers and got married. Some of us decided to leave our careers after having children while others worked hard to balance motherhood and the workplace. Still others bypassed motherhood altogether to focus on career and marriage (or a significant relationship). I also personally know a few women who do not have children and whose “jobs” are to take care of their husbands and make a home. Feminism is really about choice and all of those scenarios are examples of fine choices. In order to be successful with all of those choices, it is important that our husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/partners support our choices 100%. And in my opinion, the “Super Woman” is a woman who really doesn’t have a choice because she is not truly supported by her partner.



For me, “support” is really the key to living a fulfilling life. It means that my partner has my back, is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work and someone who respects me and what’s important to me as I do him. It also means letting go of ego and “the way things should be.” Here’s an example: when I was married to my first husband, I worked a lot of hours and traveled a lot for work. His complaint was often that all of our problems would be solved if I just made more money (I made almost as much as him at the time) and that I was “shirking” my responsibilities at home. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. When I was at home, I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the grocery shopping, all the bill paying, all of the laundry and most of the errands. His “job” was to do the “outside” things: mow the lawn (we lived in a zero lot line home in California and had a postage stamp sized “lawn”), change the oil in the car and fix anything that broke every so often. I’m not exaggerating with this list and I think you can see the issue: my duties were things that had to either be done every day or every couple of days on top of working a 60 hour week job and his were things that could be done once a week, once a month or less. And he had no interest in changing that mix of responsibilities. So you can imagine my confusion when I was told I wasn’t doing enough (we had no children). 

One Friday, I returned home from a business trip. All over the house, he had placed orange post it notes with messages to me, probably fifteen to twenty notes in all. The note left on the refrigerator said. “There is no food in here for me to eat. Why haven’t you gone grocery shopping!” On the laundry room door, the note that was left said, “My clothes are dirty. You need to do the laundry.” Finally, I came to the note left on the mirror, above my sink in the bathroom. That note said, “Look at you. This is the face of a terrible wife.”  There were many, many things that lead to the breakup of that marriage but at that moment, I vowed that I would divorce my husband and I did. The lack of respect (which he fully admitted to) that I experienced prevented me from having a real choice in that marriage. I saved those post it notes for a long, long time to remind me how it felt to be so unsupported. Over the years, I’ve not only learned that I have choices but I’ve also learned how to actually make those choices, which is another thing entirely.

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When my current husband and I decided to get married, I thought I had it all down. I had a successful and fulfilling career, lots of confidence, a great home and plenty of income. I owned a couple of properties, had investments, pets, important friendships and just overall lead a great life. My husband was a single father to a thirteen year old boy, whom he’d raised on his own since my stepson was six. Over the previous ten years, my husband had gone from being an executive at a well known home improvement company to working “rep” jobs with several different manufacturers, a necessity once he became a single parent. 

Right after we got married, the economy tanked and many of those higher paying rep jobs were few and far between.  At the same time, I had never been a “mom” and the only reference I had was my own “stay at home” mom who did it all (you can probably see the problem coming from a mile away). Early in the marriage, , I threw myself into the “Super Woman” role. I made a home for these two guys and tried to fulfill a “mom like” role for a boy who hadn’t lived with his Mom for over half of his life. I cooked, cleaned, worked, paid the bills, juggled the many versions of seasonal soccer games, school activities, planned summer activities, and attended baseball games. When my husband was laid off the first time and the bills became harder to pay, I menu planned, sold things on eBay to pay the bills, started a wedding cake business and just generally drove myself and everyone else crazy. Without discussing it with my husband, I managed to take over the very carefully crafted ecosystem that he and his son had put together in the prior seven years. I knew I wasn’t happy and neither were they.

Early on, I reached out to a therapist, knowing that I needed to get a handle on my stress level before it was too late. In the six months that I saw her, she helped me realize that I was actually responsible for all of the pressure that I felt and got me to remember that I had choices. So I went home and asked my husband for help. Little did I know, he never expected me to do the things that I had been doing (what???!!!). I had let my “assumptions” cloud my judgment. Together, we settled on a happy medium, which has evolved over time.

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Today, I am the primary breadwinner in the family. My husband is semi retired (he is sixteen years older than me) but also works part time in his insurance business. He does all of the cooking (he loves cooking and is great at it) and the grocery shopping, as well as taking care of the outside work on the lawn. He is also in charge of all of the research that goes into large purchases. I pay the bills and either coordinate the larger projects or decide that we need to hire them out (my husband is not handy with tools and that’s fine with both of us). Everyone does their own laundry.  I’m also in charge of fixing anything computer-related in the home. We work together on decisions that impact our family. In addition to this, we have a cleaning lady who comes in twice a week. One day she cleans the entire house, the second day (which is about midway through the week) she cleans the family room kitchen area and then completes a “project.” The projects are things that I can’t get to like organizing a closet, scrubbing a floor, re-organizing a room, de- cluttering our living space, etc. It has made a world of difference to my stress level and happiness, which is positive for the entire family.

With my stepson now in college and my husband semi-retired, I’m sure our individual household duties will be refined once more. That I am married to a man who sees the bigger picture and makes decisions for the betterment of our family is a gift in itself. He chooses to be a real partner and as a result, I am empowered to have a choice. We all have choices. My choice is to not be Super Woman. How about you?

The Art of Relaxation

"Rest and peace should not be left until you are deceased. They are two vital life ingredients everybody needs and seeks."
-Rasheed Ogunlaru

Today's women juggle many more roles than our sisters did just fifty years ago. We're daughters, sisters, girlfriends, friends, wives, mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, nieces, cousins and partners. Many of us are also employees, employers,  leaders, volunteers, business owners and caregivers. Others are also experts in their fields, majority breadwinners in the family or even sole breadwinners. Yet with all of these roles, we often take ourselves for granted; not realizing that if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't fulfill all of those other roles that are important to us. 

I struggle with balance almost every day. It's only within the last few years that I've been able to come up with a plan that works for me. 

A Change in Scenery: the Importance of Time Spent Alone

Photo Credit: womenwithdrive.org

The other day, a friend of mine said, "Everyone's need for 'alone time' is different." She was right, of course. My husband doesn't seem to need much and some of my friends seem to avoid being alone at all costs. Still others crave the time by themselves and never seem to get it. That's sad, to me, because I believe that women our age really do need to take time for ourselves to regroup and refresh. We're often juggling way too many obligations and we owe it to ourselves to take time away, even if only for a half hour.

My need for time to myself has ebbed and flowed over the years. I can remember when I was a little girl, I loved stealing away by myself with a good book either in the backyard on the hammock, underneath the Christmas tree during the holidays or in my room to get away from my little brother. Then something changed. As a teenager, time alone caused me to worry if I was "popular" enough or too "nerdy." Later still, during an early marriage, I thought "if only I could just be alone for awhile" only to panic when I was, in fact, really alone for the first time in my life!